Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Drama of Work

Another one bites the dust. We can't seem to keep producers around very long. It took six months and threats of my leaving on vacation for three weeks in April to get my boss's act together to find this new guy. He lasted only six months. Only half as long as my last work neighbor. Last Friday, they threw in the towel on another person, leaving me with a sense of deju vu from last year.

When they first hired him, my only requirements were that 1) he wasn't a loud person and 2) he didn't smell. He met those requirements and then some. On the days that artists were especially rude or surly, he would turn to me after they walked away and say "your day will get better." He was genial, eager to learn and just an all around decent guy. I even hit it off with his wife right away.

Now, they've given him till Thanksgiving to find another job, citing yet another "not very good fit" meaning he wasn't getting the job done well enough. I can't objectively judge his job performance because the other producer (who is also pregnant again and taking half of next year off) and I started over four years ago, slowly working our way up to these positions, helping to create a lot of the pipeline and structure of this place. I don't know if I could have jumped in and just started managing projects at this place without the appropriate ramp up time for this crazy unorthodox place.

What I do know is that it could get ugly again. Unfairly burdening two people with the work of three again like last October through this March. And with my coworker going on her maternity leave and the need to find an additional person to replace her temporarily on top of replacing the one we're firing, it's gonna be ugly.

My stance? I'm thinking, sure I'll take on six projects! They might not be managed very well and people will likely be getting their schedules on post-it notes, but hey if you're gonna burden me with more work AND turn down my request for a bigger raise after last year's debacle, well it's all about appropriate expectations.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Defying the Constraints of Age

For her birthday this year, my flower bestowing friend decided to rally the troops for a good ole fashioned night of dinner and clubbing in Hollywood. It was something I was looking forward to ALL week. I couldn't even remember the last time I went out dancing - because dancing at weddings doesn't count.

On Saturday afternoon, clad in my slinky dress and boots, I ended up diverted to work for an hour before heading up to Pasadena and meeting the birthday girl. Because I asked her the quintessential girlie question of "what are you wearing?" and she responded with "Ho it up! If not now, when? If not you, who?" I brought an alternate outfit with me. And of course she convinced me to change into the "sexy cute" outfit versus the "chic cute" dress. My friend, she has a way with words.

At the dinner, the birthday girl had an assortment of friends there - friends through the many phases of her life. At ten, half of the group made it down to Cinespace, where we waited for the main dance floor to open up by dancing in the middle room and downing nearly alcohol free kamikaze shots. (They were free before eleven. Couldn't complain.)

By the time we got on the dance floor and danced around a bit, we realized none of us really liked the hip hop music blaring through the speakers. It was down to five of us as we made our way back to the middle room and started requesting 80's hits, Madonna songs, and current pop hits from the compliant DJ. I couldn't stop dancing. It had been too long. It was as if I was also celebrating for my own birthday!

Shortly before one, the consensus was that we were done. One of the few times we didn't close down the club but I didn't mind. I got all my dancing in. Too bad that the tiredness and the achiness started setting in as soon as I stopped.

Though I slept well at the birthday girl's place, we were out for breakfast earlier than my usual Sunday, operating on minimal sleep. It didn't stop me from shopping at H&M for an hour while she got her hair cut. As we hugged goodbye and drove our separate ways to meet our respective families for lunch, I couldn't stop smiling and feeling extremely happy about the weekend. Perhaps it was the endorphins from all that dancing? Or perhaps the appreciation of still feeling young and single and having good enough friends to enjoy a night of dancing - without worrying about significant others, kids, and responsibilities? Could be all of it. However, the pure... awesomeness of this weekend will have to hold me over for a long while until the stars align once again to bring all the tired souls together for another fun night like this.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

More! Concerts!

Work hard, play hard. Going out every night has been taking its toll but I sure am enjoying life! Last Saturday, I attended the Silversun Pickups concert at the Wiltern (which is becoming a second home - 3 concerts there in 2 weeks). I haven't grown sick of their hit single but the whole album is pretty good.



The lead singer was a bit screechy at times, but hey, any man who sings at such a high voice is bound to have a tough time occasionally. One friend refused to go to the concert because this whole time, he thought the lead singer was a woman and now his illusion is shattered.

On Wednesday, I went to my other second home, the Troubadour, to see Earlimart with Sly. We got there early enough to see both opening bands, The Pulsars and The Office. I didn't know a single song, but the night was enjoyable just the same. The Office had a pretty catchy song titled "Oh My". If you click on launch office music player on their site, the song is there. They also seem to have an extra band member who really doesn't do much except hit a few keys on the keyboard, shake the tambourine, and look pretty. This gives me something to aspire to.

The next day, we had a work screening of our company's projects and a dinner. I went to the screening but ditched the dinner for the Blonde Redhead concert back at the Wiltern. I hear I missed quite a number of speeches and drunkenness. The concert however, had two encores. This almost sounds comically fake, but the band consists of a Japanese expat chick and a pair of Italian twin brothers. And she's married to one of them. Not sure if it's the drummer or the guitarist. She usually sings the songs in her crazy warbly hi pitched singing voice, but I actually like these two songs. One where the guitarist (who may or may not be her husband) sings and another one where she sings in a slighter lower pitch.





By the time Friday rolled around, I was relieved to sit at home and have my brother bring over take out and veg with me. Sitting around, reading magazines and playing video games together never seemed more fun.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Month of Concerts

I miss writing. But perhaps it's a good sign that I've been too busy living my life rather than writing about it. That being said, time has been sucked up by work (of course), a new Facebook addiction, tons of concerts, and the continuing celebration of birthday dinners.

Last night, Polar Opposite, Jigaho, a group of other friends and I hit up the Rilo Kiley concert. The Santa Monica Civic Auditorium doesn't have the best acoustics but Jenny Lewis's sweet sultry voice still rang through loud and clear. Though there were eight of us, some chose to make their way to the front of the crowd, some stood in the back and the rest of us lazy old people chose to enjoy the mellow music sitting down way in the back. Inevitably, some tall guy with a big head blocked my line of sight, so I did stand for most of the concert. Sadly, my back started aching. Gotta love the thirties...

Tonight, one of my coworkers had an extra ticket to Jimmy Eat World at the Wiltern. Tired as I was, I'm always game to attend a concert if someone needs a friend to go with. So off I went to another night of music. Luckily, their music is more on the rock side which helped me stay awake. It also helped that we had seats in the balcony and I could still sit and see everything even with everyone standing up the whole time.

Both concerts took me down memory lane as it was the second time I was watching both bands. Both came out with albums and had concerts about two to three years ago, a not so good time for me.

I remember seeing Rilo Kiley for the first time on the night of Halloween 2004, the same day in which I said my final goodbye to the "surly" guy. That night, Rilo Kiley's quirky and poignant songs about bad relationships, such as the song below, couldn't have been more apropos and I've been in love with the band ever since.



With Jimmy Eat World, the Boy loved this band but wouldn't go to the concert with me, citing the excuse that their newer music wasn't as good. Whatever. I ended up going with M. Night and My Favorite Loner, both of whom I sadly and rarely hang out with now. In the end, I actually enjoyed both concerts and felt truly optimistic about where I am at this point in my life. It took that walk down memory lane to show me what a long way I've come.

There will be half a dozen more concerts coming up this month and next - all relatively newer bands I'll be seeing for the first time. It's going to be exhausting but I can't wait!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Stubbornness

Wavy recently remarked that she has never met anyone more resistant to change than me. And my old college roommate, once equated me to a lizard who would rather die, than lose its tail. All kinda true, though it may be more the anticipation of change than the actual change itself which gives me stomach aches.

On a recent visit to the dentist (I still like dentist visits more than work reviews), I asked if my two baby teeth would ever fall out. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but oh so appropriate isn't it? I still have two baby teeth. They won't fall out because there's no permanent tooth for it. So on some level, even my body is stubborn as all hell to change.

"Is this normal?" I asked my dentist, who's known me since I was ten.
"Well, it's not normal- normal. But it's not not-normal either." he replied.

So there you have it. Sums me up in a nutshell.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Birthdaypalooza

No dreams about work. No wanting to strangle anybody. Imagine that. The escape to New Mexico with Ms Flip Flops was just what I needed. For the first two days, we stayed in Santa Fe at this wonderful spa where we got wrapped, massaged, and scrubbed till we were shiny and new. To quote the masseuse, I got a new birthday suit for my birthday!

There were crazy thunderstorms on our first night but downtown Sante Fe was small and quaint, fun to walk through, and you couldn't walk five feet without stumbling over an art gallery. In our room entitled the Rising Moon however, these two city girls couldn't start a proper fire if our lives depended on it. This was just us burning paper. We burned all the starter sticks, threw about 40 strike anywhere matches in there, and burned all the paper we could get our hands on by the end of our stay. Including some of our maps.


For the last two days, we headed over to Albuquerque, coincidentally in time for the first day of the International Balloon Festival. Unfortunately, on the first day, winds were so powerful that the evening balloon glow was cancelled. The Sandia tramway was also closed. So we got some delicious BBQ and called it an early night.

Just in time to wake up at the crack of dawn in the bitter bitter cold to catch mass ascension - when all the balloons rise up into the sky at sunrise. Was it worth it? Well, for the one time, I guess so. Though a hat, mittens, thicker jacket, camera with better zoom lens, and a mug of hot coffee will be a requirement if and when I make it back there.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The 1-2-3 Punch

On Thursday, I finally got my work review. Confusing as hell, another hour plus long yakking session, but this time with a bit of psychoanalysis thrown in. "This is a really good review!" the boss and pseudo HR guy kept telling me. And I wondered, if it is, why do you have to keep telling me that?

When I finally left work, I was too impatient to wait and read the written reviews from all the supervisors. I dangerously read them at red lights as I sped toward the sneak preview for a movie. They were the kindest, most glowing words I've received yet - touched upon in ten seconds in the actual review when they said "everyone loves working with you. You can read that sheet later."

What we did talk about was how I needed to be a tougher leader and confront people right away (versus giving them time to cool off?), how I needed to project more confidence but not try to solve everything myself and not tell the boss everything, and how I needed to control my feelings and jump from being upset to calm within two seconds (I kid you not, pseudo HR guy snapped his fingers to illustrate how quickly he wanted me to turn my feelings around). It wasn't that I wasn't getting the job done - they couldn't find anything wrong with how I was managing the schedules, the budgets, the clients, the team. I had never lost my cool or let rude artists, bad clients, or cruel twists of fate get in the way of professionalism - it was that I wasn't a detached guy like the boss. I care too much. Give myself a hard time when projects aren't running smoothly. And though it was an anomaly, the last week that kicked my ass didn't help things. They kept asking me "how do you feel when..." and by the time the tortuous review was over, I wanted to yell at them. It was invasive. It was almost inappropriate and I wanted to tell them "you can't control how I FEEL. Feelings are irrational and they're MINE. That's one thing the company doesn't get from me!"

On Friday after my headache had subsided a little, I emailed them and thanked both guys for the review and the raise, but asked for more money. It was a first for me, asking for anything. But this year, I honestly felt like I deserved it and explained why. Instead of being honest with me, Pseudo HR guy wrote back and said "Well we were actually going to give you less, but your boss asked to give you more. This is honestly your 'you're kicking ass' raise. And it's not our policy to negotiate raises after we give them to you. Sorry it's not quite what you wanted." WTF? It was less than 24 hours since the review and I never had a chance to ask nor knew of such policies in all my years here. A bogus BS lazy answer which only angered me even more. I thanked the boss and asked them for more vacation time so I could keep up my travels but knew they'd turn it down anyway. I figured I had to ask, if only to get into the habit for the future. After all, I've learned the hard way, no one comes around and just offers you these things.

On Saturday, my trainer had convinced me to sign up for the physical fitness assessment tests at the Y. Imagine something like those fitness tests they made you take in high school. Except now you don't have youth on your side. I failed them all with ratings like "poor, below average, and overweight." I walked out of there stunned and wanted to go home and cry. How could this be? I've never been a skinny girl but I never honestly saw myself as an out of shape fat-ass either. I've been going to the gym and exercising for years - apparently all for naught.

The worse part was the flood of memories taking me back to high school through post college - always seeing myself as this gigantic clod because I was taller and bigger than most Asian girls. The struggle to maintain some kind of healthy image of myself took over a decade and now it's turned on its head once more as I wonder "was I right before in thinking I was a gigantic clod and only managed to delude myself in thinking I looked fine?"

So now I start my first ever diet. Which kinda sucks. And also tougher workouts with the trainer. Which is kinda painful (like tonight. Ouch.). But I have twenty pounds to lose in six months until the next physical assessment test. Which I plan to ace.

The highlight of all these appointments for the past few days? A Saturday visit to the dentist with hygienist staff that I've know since I was ten. It made me feel at home and a little bit better about myself. No cavities since I was 8 and the least painful teeth cleaning yet. If anything, at least I still have good teeth.