How to Scare my Coworkers

After a particularly frustrating day of uncooperative hapless coworkers, I started fantasizing about ways to make people listen to me. And after my boss's pre-review critique about my not-loud-enough voice during meetings, the ideas really took off. I don't believe in having to yell to make my point or exude authority. And I cannot win in a whoever-has-the-loudest-voice-takes-over-the-conversation contest. I'm all about speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Thanks to a wicked imagination and some equally creative friends, here are a few ideas we came up with to have more of the artists fear me.

- Carry my brother's samurai sword on my back at all times while walking through the office and checking in with the artists, asking them "Did you fill out your timesheet today? Then you may keep all your fingers."
- Have my old boss from the mouse-eared company come in and pretend to yell at him until he cries and begs for mercy (he's the kooky one who suggested it)
- When everyone is quietly working in that serene moment of the work day, let out a bloodcurdling scream and hurl a notebook through the air clear across the room, then carry on my day as if everything is normal
- Smack one of the guys upside the head without warning when they don't listen
- Go in the back room and practice my boxing or swordfighting skills, complete with yells, which will eerily echo back to the main room

In the meantime, I've decided to just rebel against the etiquette and manners from my upbringing that have constrained me, and just plain be more rude. As in not waiting my turn to speak and interrupting others when they talk, just like all the boys do here at my work. Otherwise, I wait forever for an opening to speak up and constantly get talked over by a louder person.

It felt good to reprimand my boss during a meeting and tell him "hey bossman, I can't talk over your loud jokes. Work with me here!" And pleasantly enough, he stayed quiet for the rest of the meeting. I felt giddy with power when some of the guys started interrupting me and going off on tangents and I said "Hey people! I'm talking here!" and they all turned to look at me in shock, apologized and allowed me to continue running the meeting. The surprise tactics seem to be working. And I enjoy keeping them all on their toes.

Once, years ago during the mouse-eared company days, I started banging my forehead on the desk in frustration. Not hard enough to dent my head or leave a mark, but apparently loud enough to draw the attention of my department. It was probably the only time I remotely had an outburst at that stressful job. They still talk about it to this day.