To wrap up the silly boy business within 3 hours...
Last year saw a depression so great and palpable, that friends all around noticed the difference and worried that The Boy (the "one") had destroyed my spirit for good. It didn't help that he wouldn't let me go, wouldn't stop being my friend no matter how hard I tried to avoid him and cut myself off.
"You're one of my best friends out here in LA," he told me. "It's so much easier to talk to girls about stuff than guys. I don't want to lose your friendship." Selfish or sweet?
I pulled myself off of Yahoo messenger, made myself invisible or blocked him on other instant messaging formats so that I was less accessible, put away all the notes and cute drawings he gave me, and stopped initiating any contact. It helped for a bit but I had to relearn how to live life differently with him around. Soon The Boy met his "one" online and got engaged within 7 months of meeting the girl, and for all intents and purposes, I could at least put this chapter of life away. He no longer needed me as the girlfriend substitute.
As I mentioned earlier, I was starting to feel good again early this year, when out of the blue, Mr. DD happened. He was a friend who convinced me to take a chance again, and got me at just the right time and mindset. It was great for a brief shining optimistic moment until he panicked and blunderingly called it off.
You can't really break what's already broken. I wasn't so much devastated as I was extremely disappointed and at a loss of what was up, down, right, or wrong anymore. The hardest part of moving on as you can tell, is that there hasn't been anyone else worth making an effort for, and I see him EVERYDAY. I'm certainly mature enough not to smack him on the head when I get the urge, but the daily minute damage is hard to measure. Some days are fine. Other days, he's a reminder of failure. And dammit, it is extremely annoying when thoughts of him creep into my head at the most inopportune times.
I explained to Wavy that the only way to move on was 1) meet someone new, 2) distance or 3) time. Unfortunately, time is the default method of choice and it is the MOST excruciatingly slow and inefficient way to go about it.
I talk a tough game and can play flippant and normal to the average persons. (The Boy and Mr. DD will never know how much they dented my flimsy armor.) While I pretend to be over it and walk forward, my head is actually turned looking back the whole time, hoping for some kind of sign. I guess the good thing with this is that eventually, I'll walk far enough ahead that I won't be able to see what's behind me anymore.
Like a snail's pace, the recovery is getting there because really, what other choice do I have? The new year feels like a good time to stake a fresh start.
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3 comments:
I think being open to a fresh start is a big step towards letting yourself feel for someone again. The past can be such a burden sometimes, and moving beyond it can make you feel somewhat light-hearted.
Also, I'd like to believe that there is such a thing as a soulmate, but I don't imagine that it's a one-way affair. If the feelings aren't mutual (and equal), I think that's probably one sign that it's not a relationship to be in -- as hard as that may be to accept.
three things:
1) mr. dd = mr. dumb dumb
2) it is not a failure on your part. it was just not right. failure is not a good way to describe it. maybe it's a good thing it didn't work out. you will find someone better & you will realize you dodged a bullet. i know it.
3) i am not mature enough to not smack him on the head so bring me to work! =)
Thanks for more encouraging words and the laughter! :)
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