Performance Anxiety

It was another late night at work – thank goodness it’s a 4 day week for me. The powers that be finally sprung the performance review on me, when I least expected it. It was all good and only mildly uncomfortable, akin to the half yearly dentist checkups.

It’s funny how you can hone in to the one or two slightly negative comments while ignoring the rest of the praise. Work ethic pride or typical neuroticism?

I’m like the abused child when it comes to these things. I’ve been traumatized by awful review experiences at the old job. Actually it was only my first review that was awful, but one bad time is all it takes! I already know I’m highly sensitive to the mildest criticism (everything’s personal when it’s personal to me!)

A review is like laying yourself out there, stark naked and vulnerable, asking for criticism whether you want it or not. The only things I can really compare the experience to are the piano recitals and competitions of my teenage years. Before the performance, I’d be anxiety ridden all day. Afterwards, my heart would still be jittery and the butterflies in my stomach still fluttering about, trying to settle down. That's about how I felt this afternoon. I couldn't even look at the written review from all the different supervisors until I got home. And after I read most of the nice praise, braced in a wincing type position, it hit me that I'm friends with most of these people, I eat with them everyday, hang out with them on the weekends, know their wives and children on a personal level, and hell, some of them even know parts of the real me. Frightening. And sometimes friendship inhibiting.

The occasionally paranoid me thinks, maybe I should stop being such good friends with people who review me (not to mention dating them. sheesh...) but then where's the fun yet masochistic challenge in that?