Trying to Figure Out When It's Time To Go

I don't know how to leave a job. I've had internships that naturally ended after a semester or temp jobs that only required a finite amount of time. For my first permanent job at the mouse-eared company, we went project to project and by the time I left, they had made the alternate choice of staying so grim, they pretty much pushed me out the door. There was always a substantial reason that each job came to an end.

On my first film at the mouse-eared company, I remember being so unhappy in the last year of the project that I physically felt like part of me was dying as I drove into the parking lot each morning. And even then I stayed on another year, lucky enough to be put on a second film with the most laid back, generous bosses I've ever had.

With this current job, I'm permanently staffed. That means unless I muck it up royally and piss off the wrong people or the company hits hard times financially, I can stay there for life. It's a rarity in the entertainment industry but also slows down growth after the first couple of years. I've become sedentary and terrified of leaving the job security.

But... I'm getting that feeling again. I don't quite feel like part of me is dying just yet, but I'm unhappy at least 50% of the time. Sometimes I feel trapped and claustrophobic. My stomach has been hurting all week. This morning I came in hands shaking and felt like I couldn't breathe.

I felt this way last year when my old boss and her issues with the company came to a head, dragging me along for the bumpy ride for most of 2005. She finally left in July and by September, I wanted to join her. Before I cracked completely, I went on the three week 30th birthday European tour by myself in October. I came back refreshed though still wary of what my position would be at the company.

Things got better by the end of the year, and were downright slow the first 5 months of this year. Now, I'm overwhelmed and barely containing my contempt and surliness towards certain people at work. I can't pinpoint any one thing that's causing it. It's nothing and yet it's everything.

My current boss is still one of the biggest schmucks of all time. The owners still completely undervalue production while praising the artists who work till they keel over. I am the one-man complaints department, fielding all the whining, the bitching, the blaming, and the problem fixing. As a producer, I feel like I've regressed in terms of managing a project and kept under my insecure boss's thumb. We have no legitimate HR department to talk to or proper protocol to deal with reviews and problems. The dynamics of the company and the projects don't change - we're still seventy people stuck in one big room with no privacy. And then... there are the boys. Those problematic boys that have left me with more bad memories than good.

I'm ready for another three week vacation soon even if it means traveling alone again. Not one of the many dinky weekend getaways this year to visit friends or attend some obligation. I need to be selfish and do what I want to do, see what I want to see, sleep when I want to sleep. I need to sit down and figure out my finances, update my resume, poke around at other companies, make my infamous pro/cons lists, and mentally prepare myself for pissing off this company and losing a lifestyle. Change cripples me with fear and yet I know that's what I need. It may take me awhile and I may change my mind a hundred times more in between, but waiting for this company to change instead of making the change myself is going to shrivel me up inside. My annual review is next week. It may be just the catalyst I need.