Balloon Lady

For the past two days, The Fray's "How to Save a Life" has been playing over and over in my head. Though the song is about the lead singer's mentoring relationship with a teenage crack addict, the chorus "where did I go wrong, I lost a friend." just breaks my heart. It reminds me of all the friends I've lost through distance, growing apart, or just plain neglect.
I used to pride myself on the fact that I was a great friend. I went to extreme lengths to stay in touch. Once I was your friend, it was pretty hard to get rid of me. You'd have to shoo me away with a broom. And if for some reason, we drifted apart through time and distance, I stayed nostalgic and sad about it, trying to resuscitate the relationship every so often. One high school friend called me the Balloon Lady, trying to hold all her balloons together and keeping them from flying away forever in different directions.
The unfortunate thing with growing older is that you do eventually lose friends. I didn't understand for a long time and took it extremely hard, wondering what I did wrong to make people not want me anymore. Surprisingly, of all the things that helped me cope was one of those ubiquitous feel-good-encouragement email forwards. It's the one that explains how people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I had always believed that every friend I made HAD to be a friend for life.
I still take it hard and wonder what I did wrong, but a little light turned on. Sometimes, it's not entirely within my power to sustain the friendship if there's no reciprocation. Some friends come back, ebbing and flowing like the tide, but some I have to let go so I that I don't hurt myself by banging my head repeatedly on a brick wall of disappointment.
I worry that I become too callous, dropping friends left and right in my efforts of self preservation. Then I realize that the ones I do lose are usually the ones who won't even notice, the ones who are tougher than me and not looking back. It reminds me that letting go of some of the balloons will only make it easier to hold onto the ones I really want.