Things I've Found to Be True

Some are cliches, some are bits of advice from friends, and others are just so.

- Things can only get better once you hit rock bottom
- There is no such thing as loyalty from companies to their employees
- A bad job situation can destroy your self worth if you let it
- Relationships are f***ing hard work
- Boyfriends may come and go, but your friends will always be there for you
- No one can fix you except yourself

What Happened to Normal and Happily Ever After?

Do people sneer at those two things like the Fox and the Sour Grapes - because they're unattainable? Lately, I've never felt further from either of them. Not that I was ever in the vicinity of normal in terms of conforming to a standard. But one definition of normal seems to be "free of mental disorder: sane." And I'm not even sure I conform to that definition anymore.

Is it normal to cry so uncontrollably that you can't quite make it to work in the morning or explain to your bf why you are so worked up? Is it normal to get so depressed and flattened by your boss and your job that you start tying in your self worth as a person to your performance at work? Or is it normal to sometimes have so little faith in people or yourself that you just constantly expect the worse?

I'm so tired. And recovering from yet another cold, which doesn't help the mental anguish. I'm hoping this is rock bottom for now and that all that therapy will help. I'm hoping I won't need drugs to stop the crying. And I'm hoping a car runs over my boss tomorrow. Kidding. Kind of.

Babies and Bunnies

We’re just at that age now, but every time I suddenly hear “I have news!” or something along those lines, another friend has up and gotten themselves preggers. The latest victim, er blessed friend is someone I’ve known since we were twelve. TWELVE! That’s nearly prepubescent times!

I have a harder time containing the shock and strangeness when it’s friends from high school and pre-high school having kids. Maybe because we knew each other when we were kids ourselves. But I guess it’s bound to happen and I have yet to resort to rocking in a corner to comfort myself.

The other day, while at the auto mechanic with the bf, the particularly chatty owner decided to tell us his life story as an immigrant and ended up extolling the virtues of America and having his two daughters. Then he placed his hand on the bf’s arm and said “YOU should have two kids. It’s the best thing.” To which the bf responded with “She’s going to be the mother of my children!” while pointing at me. Odd response. And I didn’t even freak out and run!

That darned clichéd clock is probably ticking but I am in no way ready any time soon. If I’m lucky, I’ll be ready before my body closes up shop on that idea. For now, I’m leaning much more toward giant bunnies than a kid. I mean, how can you not love this?

New Song to Fit the Mood

This week, Wavy kindly pointed out Leona Lewis's follow up song "Better in Time." I couldn't get enough of her first single "Bleeding Love" especially as I was feeling the same kind of frustration with the bf. In this new song, it's like the "everything will be ok" response to her first song (though they did have different songwriters.)

LEONA LEWIS - BETTER IN TIME (VIDEO)
Uploaded by AcerBen

It's like Madonna's "You'll See" sequel to her other song "Take A Bow." I love narratives in song.

Anyway, this song has been on repeat at work and though the melody feels upbeat, and the message is pretty strong and positive, the song actually makes me quite sad. Probably because I'm hoping that life won't imitate art.

A Woman Needs A Man... Like A Fish Needs a Bicycle...

Well I guess I don't really need a man, but I do like him around. And I'm no fish, but I thought it was high time to tackle learning how to ride a bicycle.

It only took me two years to hit this resolution , but yesterday, ride I did. After the bf patiently taught (forced) me to unhook the front tire and load the bike into my car, he watched me ride over and over in circles at the Santa Monica DMV. While moms were warily practicing with their kids, and husbands were teaching their wives to drive, I donned a crash helmet and staked my claim of the empty parking lot, as he nervously yelled for me to stay away from the cars and stop veering too far away from our little section.

Throughout most of my life, this is how I felt about bicycles:What I've discovered is that it's easier and harder than I thought. Easy to just jump on the bike and ride around in circles on a nice smooth flat surface. Hard when there's any kind of incline, precision steering, or obstacles (trees, poles, people, cars, etc) in the way. As soon as I tried to steer around a rocky incline in the front of the DMV, I fell over and steered into a small palm tree. Ah well, practice practice practice...

Right On Schedule

For reasons I'll try to write more about later, I started seeing a therapist. A psychologist actually, because I don't believe the answer is medication in my case.

On our first session, she explained to me that many of the coping mechanisms we learn as a child are ones that we use as an adult through our twenties. And somehow, by the time we reach our thirties, those coping strategies start to fall apart and not work so well anymore.

"In that respect," she told me, "you're right on schedule!"

And I thought, "Thank God, for once I'm on schedule with the rest of the people my age and not a late bloomer when it comes to the whole falling-apart-in-your-early-thirties stage!" Lucky me.

Spontaneous Combustion

Lots of ups and downs in the last few months and boy have I missed writing. I actually feel a little less sane lately, probably because of the lack of writing among other reasons.

Of all the things to inspire me to write again, it was the spontaneous combustion of my Ipod Nano that prompted me to think "Now that is something worth sharing about!"
It was a Friday evening around 6pm about a week and a half ago. Charging the ipod at my work computer per usual, I heard a snap, a pop, a sizzle... kinda like Rice Crispies in milk. Except not as tasty. Nor fragrant. Then a large poof of smoke went up and that geyser of smelliness flew right toward me. Half the studio ran over to see what was going on.

Boy was I popular with the IT department that evening.
"Can we sue Apple?!" they gleefully asked.
"Can we blog about it on Digg?" another one asked.

I brought it over to the Apple store last week in a box. I showed them the button that flew off the middle of the ipod when the smoke came pouring out from it, as well as the charred cord. They were equally incredulous. And some of the younger Apple guys came over to gawk.

"Dude, were you listening to some death metal music or something?" they joked.
"No," I should have said. "Actually Yanni."

At first, I got the whole, "um well, it's technically not under warranty."
Are you kidding me?
"You can participate in the Ipod recycling program and donate this Ipod for recycling to get 10% off a new one!" one of the sprightly sales reps informed me.

I looked at her blankly. I don't want to buy a new ipod. I just want to replace this one. It blew up. Not like I dropped it or put it near fire. What if I had left it at home charging and it lit my whole place on fire? All my personal items... en fuego! Apple items are magical but I assume spontaneous combustion is not on the list of things that they should triumph over PC's.
Luckily one of members of the "Genius Bar" came over and assessed the situation.
"Yeah that's a safety issue. Let's replace this one for her. Stat!"

Well she didn't exactly say "stat!" but it seemed appropriate. Two days later, they got me a brand spanking new 1st generation Ipod Nano. I didn't even know they make them anymore.

I wonder if I should have made a bigger stink and got a new Ipod Nano. I wonder if this one will meet its fiery end in another three years. Only time will tell. I would however, still like an Iphone.

Songs to Fit the Mood

Lately, whenever I was feeling down about the bf I noticed that these two songs would jump out in my playlist.

Sleeper's "What Do I Do Now?"


During the prime of britpop in the 90's, I listened to this in college all the time and every time the story in this song just broke my heart. A fun catchy beat, but underneath it, a sad song about how self doubt and miscommunication can destroy a relationship and lead to regrets. It was also one of the anthem songs for my childhood best friend, dealing with the fallout from her college boyfriend whom I never met but feel like I know so well...

Then there's Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do" which captures the end of a relationship, when you're trying to desperately salvage what you can. I loved this album, but never noticed this particular track until Vaj pointed it out to me as one of his favorites.



Wavy threw this one my way the other day and it made me all melancholy. I saw Teitur open for John Mayer years ago and sent his music around to everyone. This one is about the trials and tribulations of a long distance relationship.

Teitur "I Was Just Thinking"

"Wavy," I asked, "do they have a song about two people who really love each other but seem to keep hurting each other and not sure how to make it work?"

"Yes, they have those too," she wisely answered. And now this lovely pop hit is on repeat on my itunes.

Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love"

Just A Girl

Oh demented fairy godmother, I just realized your hand in all of this. I remembered that not so long ago, I used to wish that I were less of the tomboyish sort, less the rational buddy and longed for a boy tough enough to make me feel more like a girl. And, well, of course I got it.

Now, I break into tears if say rose petals start falling to the ground or something equally ridiculous... and I am completely irrational when it comes to the bf. And that bf? Not one bit of metrosexual in him. He's totally a guy's guy. Rough around the edges. Blunt as all hell with no self-censoring mechanism in his head. Tries so hard to pay for everything and take care of me even if he doesn't quite know how. And does all those stupid insensitive things like forgetting to call back, not waiting for me to eat together or watch a film, or forgetting to follow up on plans he suggested.

At the end of the day, it's not all bad. For better or worse, the bf makes me feel like such a girly girl whether he tells me I'm beautiful or when he's making me cry because he did something completely inconsiderate. Many of my guy friends have drifted apart from me now that they have their own wives and girlfriends and that feeling of being "just one of the guys" doesn't happen quite as often anymore. At work, I'm almost positive that everyone sees me as an actual girl and not the tomboy buddy I once was.

As I read through some old entries and texts from the beginning of the relationship, I complained to Wavy about how the bf obviously doesn't try as hard anymore or drop everything including time from work just to see me. "Can you believe you used to call him Captain Attentive?" I asked.

"That, my dear, is a universal problem," replied Wavy. And just like that, I'm now just another girl complaining about a boy and wondering "when did I become like this?"

There Are No Losers

Conversation between the bf and my brother, as he's driving us back home from the airport after the Seattle trip.

BF: "Oh I taught your sister how to play hacky sack today up in Seattle."
Brother: "Cool. How do you play?"
BF: "You just kick this little bean bag ball up in the air and pass it around in the circle."
Brother: " How do you win?"
BF: "Uh, you don't really win. The goal is just to have everyone in the circle be able to touch it at least once without letting it hit the ground."
Brother: "I don't get it. There's no winning? There's no winner?"
Me: (Laughing) "Not every game has to be a competition!"
Brother: "Then how do you decide who loses? I can't comprehend this."

Oh Boy Part 2

I meant to follow up this first post with another one immediately the day after. And then things kept going up and down like a roller coaster or the Hollywood Tower of Terror Ride at California Adventure. I never knew when to write - when things were going really well or when things sucked. Which changes week by week, day by day. Go figure.

It's been nearly six months and frequently, I'm still stunned. Milestones are knocking me on the head left and right.

1) Told the parents

A couple of weeks ago, he came with me for my dentist appointment. The dentist and the dental hygienist have known me since I was ten and I realized my mom would murder me if she heard from our dentist about the bf before she heard about it from me. So after delaying the inevitable, I casually mentioned him over dinner and the parents took it well without asking more then a dozen questions and a request for a picture.

Flobelly, a fellow Cantonese chick married to a sweet white boy from Ohio (or is it Iowa? I swear I always get those mixed up) put it into perspective for me before I spilled the beans. She merely said "it only gets harder. That will be the easiest part. Wait till the parents meet him and then both parents meet. Awkward...." Eek.

2) Met his family and friends

The trip up north to Seattle was an eye opening experience in many ways. But the most important thing is that I met nearly all of his friends, including his best friend and his mom. So daunting considering that between them both, they've met everyone he's ever brought around. Including the ex-wife and apparently some girl who announced she was Wiccan. Huh.

3) Slowly but surely, we're being outed to the work peeps

Work is hard enough as it is, but having a relationship with someone you work with adds a new dimension of complexity. At first I was really stressed about the fact that technically he reports to me in a way, and that legally that was a big no-no. However, then I realized our company is pretty informal, that's there's like five couples already and the only person who would try to use this against me is the Tool. And even then I pride myself on being completely professional throughout the years, no matter who my work friends were or what stupid guy was treating me poorly. The Tool has got nothing on me.

Plus when the bf let slip to his seatmate that we went up to Seattle together, then mistakenly IMed his seatmate instead of me to give me the heads up, he had to go, "well, now you know." And our coworker merely responded, "yeah, it was no secret." It's almost liberating.

So, the families know. The friends know. The work folks know. Hell, my dentist and the dental hygienist knows. They even gave him a toothbrush. And this sounds kinda bad, but all I can think of is man, if this doesn't work out it is gonna be hell to disentangle and shake off.

Still Restless

Because the "tool" made it impossible for me to take more than a week off this spring, I am taking several mini-vacations until October when I'm hoping to hit up New Zealand with the Bourgeoisie friend on this tour.

So out of this previous list, I've managed to hit up #7 San Diego so far.

This Friday, I'm back at #3 Seattle (more on that later), mid-May I'm off to #2 New York and #1 San Francisco by end of next month. Almost veered off to Portland or Austin instead of NY because of scheduling conflicts with friends, but in the end I can't stay away from New York and all its glorious shopping and food.

As for fleeing the country, #6 Toronto is still a possibility this summer and Bizarro Twin mentioned Croatia possibly next year. I still have no idea what's going on with Japan.

Darn work gets in the way of fun and travel. But I guess I need to earn enough funding to actually go places.

A Few Flicks

Despite all the drama of work and boy the past several weeks, I did manage to squeeze in a few entertaining flicks.

21 - I love gambling movies. Especially ones based on a true story. Even if the true story actually involved more Asians, less violence, and less romance. It was still fun and got me in the mood to go clubbing, which I did, this past Saturday.

Leatherheads - I actually hate football, but this was a fun throwback to those old fashioned screwball comedies with lots of witty banter. And it was kinda cool to see how football started. Renee Zellweger is getting weirder looking, George Clooney is looking old but still dashing, and John Krasinski is cute but not as cute as when he's in The Office.

The Waterhorse - So cute. Scottish accents, baby lochness monster, and overall a sweet story. I'd watch it again. And I'm sure kids will love it too.

Lust Caution - Total 180 from the previous flick. Beautiful film, beautiful actress, amazing scenery. But wow. You go, repressed Chinese people! When Jigaho said she had seen soft core porn more toned down than this, I was impressed. And I think that describes it perfectly. But love scenes aside, it was an intriguing film, all 2 1/2 hours of it. I even watched the "Making of" documentary afterwards.

Gone Baby Gone - It started off a little slow and quite talky. Actually the bf got bored and I had to finish it alone. But, man it was worth it. It was a great film and I am impressed with the brothers Affleck. So many twists and turns and at the end of the movie, it leaves you thinking about what you would have done. Moral quandaries are always fun.

Lars and the Real Girl - Cute quirky film. Ryan Gosling is such a great actor. And after the initial "ew that's gross, people actually buy those?!" they made the real doll almost like a real person that you felt for. Weird. And a little sad. But overall a sweet story about how much a community will pull together for one of its own. Almost makes you want to live in a small town.

I'm excited that the movie blockbuster season is almost upon us, especially Indiana Jones! Until then, more catching up on rentals and watching whatever I can get my hands on.

Crybaby

God damn hormones.

I was watching the movie The Last of the Mohicans this afternoon, a movie I've watched many times back in the previous decade because the music alone hooks me in. And oh my god, the chemistry between Daniel Day Lewis and Madeline Stowe is phenomenal - I was once read a review that said the passion between their eyeballs alone could carry the scene where they just stare at each other before running into each other's arms. But now I digress.

Anyway, it's a movie I've seen many times before without shedding a single tear. Because hey, it's a happy ending right? The two main characters end up with each other and all is good in the world of love. But today, as with everything I watch these days except maybe horror films, I was bawling. Why did that guy have to die for someone who didn't love him back? Why did the other guy have to die so foolishly without waiting for his backup? And jeez, why did that girl throw herself off the cliff after this guy she barely knew? Everything was just so unfair and sad!

I can't quite pinpoint what's wrong, but it's a good week when I can go the whole week without shedding tears. Often, the quivery feeling lasts for days, when anything can set off the deluge. I feel slightly mental.

Work and the bf take turns making me cry and that is not good. I either need to toughen up or take some drugs.

Old Friend

You know how when you go a long time without talking to certain close friends, you keep putting it off until you can set aside a good chunk of time to REALLY catch up and focus on that endeavor? It's kinda what's happening here. Poor neglected blog. I just need to post and nurture it a little more consistently, even if it's smaller posts and random bits of info. Even if it's not really proofread or polished, slightly incoherent and insane.

And with that, here's a picture of the latest resident on my couch, won by the bf at Legoland because he loves carnival games oh so much, regardless of what the prize is.

Tool

My boss is a tool. That's the best term I can come up with to describe him. Urban Dictionary has several definitions of tool but I think in order of accuracy, I would have to go with #4, #7, and then #2. On a side note, I also like the term "asstard" as used in #2.

The man is out "sick" one day every other week. At least once a week, he'll come over and ask about something I took care of ages ago and already emailed him about.
"Oh I don't read all my emails," he boldly declares.

"Let's have a QUICK meeting," he always suggests. And more than an hour later, after he continues to talk about the same thing long past my attention span has ceased to function because of the HUNGER PANGS that are attacking me, we are still trapped in the room.

I always start looking for an escape clause.. perhaps another meeting, or a supervisor that needs me to help out on a project, or a very important phone call I have to return. Akin to trying to gnaw off my own leg to escape the bear trap. I even employ other artist friends to peep in the window occasionally to gesture at me, as if something huge needed my attention outside of that now claustrophobic room, especially when it's lunch time.

"Don't ever leave me!" I tell them. "Make up an excuse, come drag me out of there so I can at least go have lunch."

And don't even get me started on how much he piles on extra work on everyone because he thinks everything takes half the time. Then comes in and gives motivational speeches to his burnt out team as we stare at him glassy-eyed and disbelieving.

"Is this guy for real?" we think. And unfortunately, yes he is.

A Concert For Angry Youths and Formerly Bitter Whatchamacalits

I've been on an indie music/tiny venue kick for a long while now. So when it was time to go to Linkin Park tonight, I was equally excited and wary. The last time I saw a big act at a big venue, it was The Police at Dodgers stadium last summer. To sum up that experience, it was great music, insane crowds, 2 hour wait to drive in, and me running the rest of the way from the hill to the venue to use the bathroom. Fun times.

With Linkin Park, though I did end up running to the bathroom multiple times from the gallon of water I drank, getting in and out of the venue was great, and the music equally loud and wonderful. It brought me back to the days of screaming/singing along in the car when I was angry or hurting, trying to channel the angst in Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda's voices.

I ended up dragging my brother along, still fresh from work in his business casual get up and thoroughly out of place at the concert. Our seats were as close to the floor as possible without actually having to stand with the masses (whew! getting old. I like to sit at my concerts!) I sang along, though did not jump up and down with my fists pumped like the guy next to me. Of course some old geezers near us smoked pot and strangely enough I saw people with young children (like 3 year olds!) wandering around the floor. Talk about a diverse crowd of fans.

The six members of the band obviously have a good thing going and create solid music, though it did leave me wondering how decisions are made within the group. A true democracy? Or are some members more important than others? My brother ranked them in order of importance just for fun but I don't think that would ever work for a band to be successful. Anyway, my dreams to be a drummer for a rock band when I grow up continue to live on!

My Vacuum Cleaner Ate My Sofa

Apparently, vacuum cleaners don't belong on sofas. And apparently, sofas are one of the most highly flammable things in your living room. Sigh... If I had only known. Chalk it up to one more thing that people don't tell you about in day to day conversations and one more thing that should be common sense.


Luckily, no one was hurt, nothing burst into flames and only poor Oscar the Couch suffered some cosmetic damages when I dragged the vacuum up on the seat. I was using the attachments to vacuum up as much cat hair as possible along the top of the couch and windowsill. (So that my poor allergic college roomie visiting from out of town wouldn't asphyxiate) Unfortunately the hose wasn't long enough so I had to pull the entire vacuum up. I didn't think the bottom part still had suction since I was using the attachment, but boy was I wrong!

Oh Boy - Part One

It's been a long time coming. I've avoided talking about it because I really didn't know what to say. I'm not one to gush over a boyfriend and make everyone gag. Nor did I want to make this a place where I'd publicly complain about his quirks and our ups and downs. But I guess if I like to write about the stuff in my life, well he's been occupying a big fat chunk of real estate in it.

I was rereading some entries from the latter half of last year, particularly in the summer, and unfortunately, my first thought was to start this entry with "Stupid ass boy, I was so darn happy and angst-less for a good long stretch till he came along."

Oops. That's no good. But this week has been particularly hard. And though 1) this is a serious relationship, 2) it's the first serious relationship I've been in, and 3) it's already the longest I've ever dated anybody, I'm still wondering, how did I get here? How are we ever going to resolve our vast differences considering we are POLAR OPPOSITES on about everything I can possibly think of? We're already averaging what Wavy calls our "state of the union" talks about every other week if not more. And though every single one of my dear girl friends assure me this is normal early relationship stuff and constantly tell me things sound fine, they don't FEEL fine. I am tired. I don't want to continously readjust my expectations lower and lower until I just don't have them anymore or don't care. Nor do I want to be that bitchy demanding girlfriend because I know that doesn't work either.

I was looking at this entry about him and asked myself those questions again.
If I stopped this thing right now, would I be an a-hole? Yes.
If he were to suddenly go away, would I still be ok? No, yes, maybe. I don't know!!!!! Probably not but I'll survive anyway, goddammit!!!!!

Yeah, the tide seemed to have turned at the start of the new year. Suddenly, I was waist deep in this thing and it was capable of causing me to spontaneously burst into tears at times of stress and yuckiness. And naturally, that lovely courting phase where he was super attentive and promised to go to whatever I asked him to came to a standstill. I think perhaps, the icky middle has arrived!

Car-ma

Anyone who knows me, knows that I drive as if I were a race car driver in a past life. 80mph is my favorite speed. I walk like I drive and weave in between people if they are going abnormally slow and blocking my way. I'm also learning to use that horn when cars dart in front of me dangerously or if someone is picking their nose at a green light and not moving within three seconds.

So when I got a flat tire Sunday night and was forced to drive on the spare at 50mph ON THE FREEWAY for a good forty miles, it was truly some kind of driving karma slapping me upside the head. As I tried my hardest to stay at 50 in the slow lane, sometimes creeping up to 55 and having visions of my tire exploding off the car, I was high beamed, honked at, passed about a hundred times, and given countless dirty looks. It was excruciating.

I wish I could say that it taught me to be more patient and understanding with slow drivers. But that sentiment may have only lasted for a day. Just get out of my way people!